Pregnancy = Changes

I know there are changes that come with pregnancy after all I have two children now and there were many changes that occurred with the first pregnancy. I stopped smoking, reduced my drinking and drastically reduced my social outings which were major changes because during my twenties smoking, drinking and partying was my life. It also woke me up to the realization that I had to leave my abusive relationship or end up dead or worst my daughter would grow up thinking that abuse was a normal part of a relationship. These were mental permanent changes and the physical changes, weight gain, swelling etc., were temporary except for a few stretch marks. Now with my second pregnancy things were far from typical and completely different from the first. I still have certain food aversions and cravings, the weight isn’t coming off as quickly as it did in my twenties but the craziest change, is my shoe size has increased which has caused me some mental anguish.

I’m basically a shoe fanatic and my shoes are one aspect of my life where I do splurge. I have shoes that cost over $100 that I may now have to sell and give away because I can’t wear them. This may seem trivial to some people but buying shoes was the only thing I did for myself and I usually bought them as a reward for accomplishing goals in my life or just to pamper myself on my birthday. Now that I have two children my financial situation has obviously changed and spending $100+ on shoes is definitely out of the question. I still have to buy new shoes especially for work but it won’t be my comfort shoes. I’m estimating for the next four years my money is going to go towards bills and the kids so I’m going to be stuck buying practical shoes only. I have to give up shoes that represented milestones in my life and I won’t be able to celebrate new ones like I usually do so it depresses me. I know I can find other ways to celebrate but I can’t think of any right now that would give me the same pleasure.

Published in: on May 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm  Leave a Comment  
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When Love is Not Enough

What do you do when the person you love is no longer the person you want to be with? How is it possible to still love someone but prefer not to be with them? So many people are in bad relationships and when you ask them why they stay the clichéd answer is always “because I love him or her” but what makes me different? Why is it not enough for me? So many questions like these swirl in my mind daily. The answer is quite simple I just refuse to be unhappy in order to be in love. Sounds weird but that is the truth.  Love can’t hide his anger; make me forget his lack of respect for my feelings; his attitude that the way he does things is always right or his attempts at cheating. For me to stay with someone there has to be love, mutual respect, mutual compromise, faithfulness and good communication. Our relationship was completely one-side and I was bearing the load. Everything was always my fault. I’m always the cause of his anger. He’s always unhappy around me and can’t think of any time when he was happy with me. The only positive thing he has ever said is I have a nice body. When I say let’s break-up all of a sudden things aren’t so bad and I’m being too drastic and not willing to fight for our love. He’s looking for his perfect relationship forgetting all relationships consist of two people and their needs not just his. Two years are enough for me I can’t and won’t waste another year trying to get him to listen at this point I just want to be free.

Published in: on May 9, 2012 at 3:11 pm  Leave a Comment  
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