My Mask

Feel like I’m on the verge of an emotional breakdown. My patience is nonexistent; my anger is at the breakout point and I just feel this heavy weight of sadness bearing down on me. I’m afraid to sit and process all that I’ve been through these past few months in fear that I will start to cry and never stop. I’m at the point where I know I need to see a therapist but using a thousand and one excuses why I can’t. I haven’t been to a therapist since I left my abusive ex seven years ago. My emotions were so out of control then. I would go from a raging, cursing, almost violent person to a slobbering baby. I still remember the sessions; I know therapy works, it helped me process all the guilt & anger I had and  I was able to find peace. I guess this time around since I still have my anger under control I’m rationalizing that its not time for therapy but eventually I’ll need it. There are so much more I want and need to write but as I sit and try to organize my thoughts and feelings I feel myself fighting back the tears because I’m not ready to face what’s bothering me. So for now I stay surrounded by laughter and smiling faces while all I feel is sadness inside waiting for the time I can break away and take off this mask of a smiling face.

Published in: on November 8, 2012 at 11:02 pm  Leave a Comment