I Need Help

I’ve always diagnosed myself with clinical depression but I’ve never been officially diagnosed. I did go to a doctor a very long time ago but he wasn’t a trained therapist and was too quick to suggest drugs as a way to control it. I hate taking pills of any kind for any reason; I won’t even take an aspirin unless I’m having a migraine attack. However, I believe its time to see a professional. I was driving on the highway today and as I gradually increased my speed a thought popped into my head that I should drive into the wall and that would end all my troubles. I’ve thought about ending my life several times in the 34 years I’ve been living but today’s urge was the strongest and most tempting. At once the face of my kids popped into view and I immediately started crying. This was all brought on by my daughter not being able to find her uniform shirt which caused me to end up taking out an extra shirt and literally stapling on her school patch after failed attempts at sewing it on. This resulted in us leaving the house at 8am which is when school starts. I was so frustrated because all week she kept harassing me about playing the Xbox and having her friends sleep over Then she forgets her text-book at school even though she was asked if she has everything which resulted in twice as much homework the next day. It’s always something with her and I know it’s just ‘growing pains’ but coupled with the stress of co-parenting with my youngest father which is turning out to be very difficult, struggling to pay bills when your salary is not keeping up with the increasing cost of utility, groceries, gas and the list goes on. I know there is someone out there who is feeling the same way I do however I’m not processing the stress correctly. I don’t think anyone would say thoughts of suicide are a healthy way of dealing with every day stress. I find myself no longer interested in anything. I’m always tired but can’t sleep and I have this constant never-ending feeling of sadness and pessimism that’s stronger than I’ve ever felt it before. I just want to feel happy again.

I wrote this about three weeks ago; I no longer feel the urge to “end it all” however the overwhelming sadness is still there. I just hope I can find a therapist I can relate to BEFORE I have my breakdown.

Published in: on April 15, 2013 at 11:50 pm  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I understand what your going through, I suffer from depression myself. I can’t really suggest to you how to cope because everyone deals with it differently. But I hope you win in your struggle and find the right therapist.

    • Thank you for your words of encouragement. It’s a daily struggle for me but I know I’ll find a way to control it & find a good therapist.

  2. Been there myself. Only thing that worked for me were Bach Flower Remedies and also understanding the causes of depression, and how Empaths are susceptible to them.

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