Trying to be Happy

It’s hard keeping a positive outlook on life when you simply want to curl up in a dark corner & cry until everything corrects itself. I’m having a small self pity party & all my mistakes have been invited. I don’t know why I’m even thinking about past mistakes when I should be focusing on the present.  Lately I’ve felt like I’m simply “running on borrowed time ” & something negative & big is about to disrupt my life. Now I have no proof of this and my life is actually coming back to some form of normalcy but I’m used to “taking one step forward & two steps back ” that I simply can’t imagine having my life uninterrupeted. Have I gotten so use to having chaos in my life that I don’t know how to function when things are going good?

Published in: on June 30, 2013 at 5:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confessions – Relationships Should Have Conditions

If I’m giving my heart, body and soul into loving and sharing my life with someone I expect the same in return. All relationships should have conditions. Each person should know what the other person will or won’t accept. We all have deal breakers. I’m not going to tolerate, excuse or put up with any form of disrespect, lying, cheating or abuse of any kind. I will be there for you and with you if you are loyal, supportive and keep the lines of communication open and work as hard as I will to make each other happy. What I expect from you is what you will get from me. The instant I start to feel unappreciated, neglected, or disrespected I will make my feelings known but I’m not a nag. I will express myself clearly and repeatedly twice maybe three times but that is it because if you didn’t understand me the first two times then you damn sure won’t the last and that would be my cue to leave. When I stop speaking, caring and listening you know it’s over and I don’t do repeats so once I’m gone I’m gone forever.

Published in: on June 27, 2013 at 9:54 pm  Comments (1)  
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This is My Confession – My Reality

Men and women think I play hard to get or I’m too picky when it comes to men but the reality is I’m so easy. If they were really interested they would pay attention to what I do and say. I have my own place, my own car, take care of my kids and pay my bills without anyone else or anyone’s help. I say this because men approach me with the concept that money is the key to my heart. They automatically assume I’m on government assistance and must be struggling with two kids so if they throw money at me then ill spread my legs and be so grateful to them I’ll just stick around. It’s sad and upsetting how some people see me. Loyalty, honesty, humor, love, attention, affection, intimacy and communication mean more to me than the zeros in their bank account. I want someone to recognize I don’t need a man but I want one. I don’t need to be helped or saved I just want to be loved. I want someone to share my life with, share the struggles and share the happy times. I want us to be there for each other if we need it. Someone who can be a positive male figure for my children. At the end of the day it should be about us building our lives together, supporting and loving each other.

Published in: on June 27, 2013 at 12:15 am  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – Sexual Expression

I am not shy but coy. I play the innocent so as not to seem eager for it is frowned upon in society. In this double standard world that I live in I cannot freely express my love for sex or I would risk the chance of being labeled a slut. I must pretend to be reserved and submissive and not asked to be fucked but sweetly smile, flutter my eyelashes and softly ask can we make love. There is nothing wrong with making love but we are still animals and sometimes you simply want be bent over a chair and fucked. You want your hair pulled, assed smacked and bite marks on your neck. You want to wake up the next morning feeling like you’ve been in a fight because you’re sore all over. If I must be submissive then let it be while I’m tied to a bed being teased beyond mercy begging him to fuck me. If I must be submissive let it be while I’m stroking him with my tongue and he holds my head as he squirts so I can swallow his lovely cum then proceed to suck him dry until pleasure turns to pain. However as I stated before I cannot show that side of me, it must be kept hidden until I find someone willing to bring it out of me and show me how sex is really supposed to be. I believe, no, I know my sexual experience is severely lacking. I just hope and pray one day I will find the one with no sexual hang-ups willing to teach me all he knows.

Published in: on June 27, 2013 at 12:12 am  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – I Don’t Want to be in Love

I don’t want to be in love. To be in love is to make yourself vulnerable to hurt, rejection, disrespect, jealousy….etc. etc. Why should I give someone the power to hurt me? Why give your heart to someone when you are not sure they will take care of it. In the beginning they will tell you everything you want to hear; you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and I love you. They treat you nice just long enough for you to let your guard down start to love them give them every single part of you then they change. No, they don’t change they simply drop the charade of Mr. Nice Guy. They start to treat you like your nothing. Make you feel ugly, worthless and inadequate until you actually start to believe their bullshit that you should be grateful they want you because no one else will. You end up losing yourself and self-respect because you want to please someone who really doesn’t deserve you. You continue to put up with the lies and cheating fooling yourself into thinking eventually Mr. Nice Guy will come back and things would go back to normal. You forget that the normal you are hoping for was just a fantasy and your current situation is your reality.

Published in: on June 27, 2013 at 12:02 am  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – Dating with Kids

How long do you wait before you start dating when you have young children? Am I supposed to put my kitty on permanent lock down for 18 years? Why is it OK for the father to have a girlfriend or multiple partners but the mother is supposed to stay single and celibate because he doesn’t want another man around his kids or helping to raise them. This is just some more of that bullshit double standard that society is trying to shove down my throat. Who says a mother must stop being a woman once she has kids and is no longer with their dad. Why must I bury my sexual desires and need for companionship to protect a fragile ego because that’s really what it’s all about. He doesn’t want another man coming and maybe doing a better job at fatherhood and being a good boyfriend. It has nothing to do with the children in my situation, just his fear of finally owning up to the fact that he just wasn’t the one for me. In no way shape or form would I ever parade a bunch of men in front of my children. If a man ever meets them it’s after a rigorous investigation of his background, personality, character and numerous dates. I’m not going to let just anybody into my children’s life.

Published in: on June 26, 2013 at 11:55 pm  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – Failed Relationships

In every failed relationship I believe you lose a piece of yourself. You no longer do the things you used to love because you used to do it with him. You stop believing in love. You turn your emotions off in fear you will fall in love again. You slowly withdraw from people and situations that will bring you into contact with smiling couples which makes you wonder what is wrong with you, why you couldn’t make your relationship work. Happy looking couples that make you remember you’re alone, and then you start to remember how it felt to lay in someone’s arm after making love thinking it would last forever. Then you wonder if maybe you should try again; open your heart to someone, become vulnerable again to disappointment, rejection, lies, cheating and lack of appreciation with the sliver of hope that you will receive love, affection, respect, loyalty and appreciation at the same level and intensity that you give it. Once again you ask yourself should I try again. Can my heart handle it or will this be the last blow that shatters it so infinitely that love is no longer a memory but a hallucination.

Published in: on June 26, 2013 at 11:21 pm  Leave a Comment  
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