This is My Confession – I’m Confused; A Walking Contradiction

Am I confusing desire & lust for something more? It is not my intention to enter into a committed relationship but my actions and words say something else. He is constantly on my mind and has eclipsed the thoughts of the other so completely I sometimes forget I loved him. He makes me want more even though he is not giving me more. Perhaps it’s the syndrome of wanting what you can’t have or chasing someone who is not interested in being caught. I’ve always felled the hardest for those who posed a challenge instead of the ones who openly show me love; I am so dumb. I need to treat this as it is a casual fling; simple friends with benefits arrangement the one thing I was running from but then again what was I running to. I am afraid to fall in love and avoid it at all cost so a friends with benefits situation should be exactly what I want. Maybe if he didn’t affect my senses sex and friendship would be enough but he makes me want to open up and talk, and cuddle and hug and hold hands and wake up next to him. I’m so screwed.

Published in: on July 17, 2013 at 10:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – Hidden Depression

I try so hard to repress the tears and bury my feelings but sometimes in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep I pull the covers up and put the pillow over my face and let them fall.

I cry for every dream I had that was broken; the love I could never have; the fear of failure and the pressure of success; the misuse of my body brought on by my own actions; the cliched little girl who grew up too fast and the confused woman struggling to find herself afraid to pray because she feels unworthy.

Then I blow my nose, wash my face and go back to being normal.

Published in: on July 3, 2013 at 12:32 am  Leave a Comment  
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