How Do I Make it Through the Day

I’ve had unbelievable highs and lows – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like giving up. Everything seemed to go wrong and it left me feeling hopeless. It left me feeling like I couldn’t do anything right.

However I’ve always managed to pick myself up and keep going. In the beginning there was this little voice in my head which said “this is your ONE & ONLY life, God did not intend for you to live unhappy”. I now have two precious little angels who give me the added incentive I need to get up each morning.

I’m grateful for that little voice & my angels, because it really has kept me holding on, but sometimes finding the strength and courage isn’t easy. So this is what I constantly tell myself:

1. Believe in yourself & have faith in God—you have to choose to believe that god has given you the tools you need to succeed in life.

2. Acknowledge & accept that life is not a movie, bad things do happen & sometimes there is no happy ending, it’s a part of life; give yourself five minutes to throw a pity party then move on.

3. Take time for yourself; #stress can kill you; always take some time to just relax, de-stress & detox from all the negatives that were thrown at you this week; give yourself some time to recuperate.

4. Always have HOPE & be Grateful!

I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this and what keeps you motivated. I think it’s so important for us to talk about this and gain strength from each other!

#ImStillLearning ©

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Published in: on May 18, 2014 at 6:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – Dating with Kids

How long do you wait before you start dating when you have young children? Am I supposed to put my kitty on permanent lock down for 18 years? Why is it OK for the father to have a girlfriend or multiple partners but the mother is supposed to stay single and celibate because he doesn’t want another man around his kids or helping to raise them. This is just some more of that bullshit double standard that society is trying to shove down my throat. Who says a mother must stop being a woman once she has kids and is no longer with their dad. Why must I bury my sexual desires and need for companionship to protect a fragile ego because that’s really what it’s all about. He doesn’t want another man coming and maybe doing a better job at fatherhood and being a good boyfriend. It has nothing to do with the children in my situation, just his fear of finally owning up to the fact that he just wasn’t the one for me. In no way shape or form would I ever parade a bunch of men in front of my children. If a man ever meets them it’s after a rigorous investigation of his background, personality, character and numerous dates. I’m not going to let just anybody into my children’s life.

Published in: on June 26, 2013 at 11:55 pm  Leave a Comment  
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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

Happy mother’s day to all the moms, step moms & mother figures out there. Hope you had a wonderful day.

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Published in: on May 12, 2013 at 9:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Can we ever be friends?

How am I supposed to form an amicable friendship with my child’s father when he takes every gesture of kindness from me as a chance we can get back together? It’s a never ending cycle with him. First he’s ok with the break up and takes responsibility for his part in it then he’s professing his love and hopes to get back together. When I say I have no interest in having a relationship beyond friendship we go back to the anger stage and everything is my fault, I’m leading him on, we can’t be friends until we resolve our issues; we’ve been broken up for over a year now. I was two months pregnant when I called it quits. Yes we tried to work on the relationship afterwards but I just couldn’t do it. Times like this make me realize I made the right choice by not going back to him.

Last night I’m at a concert with friends having a great time and he wants to talk about our relationship. He has hope we will get back together. I believe in hurting someone with the truth instead of sparing their feelings with a lie. I told him there was no hope or chance of that to happen let’s just focus on the present and being good parents we both made mistakes so let’s learn from them and just move on. That was the right move but gave me the wrong reaction. Now I’m the bad guy once again and we can’t be friends because he feels we still have issues that’s a problem for him. I’m just so tired of this roll a coaster ride of emotions. I still feel he is suffering from some sort of depression and needs help before he crosses the line. I’ve seen him when he gets enraged which is one of the biggest reason why I left. I know if he doesn’t learn to control his anger and learn to accept situations that don’t go in his favor he’s going to do something that he will never be able to undue.

Published in: on February 17, 2013 at 3:24 pm  Comments (2)  
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Single Motherhood Can Be Hard

Sometimes I feel like my oldest daughter and I argue every day. She’s nine going on nineteen and showing out verbally every chance she gets. Her father offers no financial or emotional support so it’s just me. I know I can file for child support but that’s a waste of time since he has two other kids he’s on child support for and has never paid a dime in over ten years because he refuses to work. I prefer the emotional support anyway because for some reason that’s where I’m having the most stress.

Financially she is expensive but its a controlled cost that I can plan and save for but emotionally she is past my threshold of patience and understanding. It’s a constant verbal battle with her simply to get her to clean her room do the dishes pick up after herself or any basic thing you ask a child to do. Yes, I know this is a problem all parents face but its a problem that I never had before. I never had to raise my voice or punish her because she always did what she was told when I said it. Now she questions why she has to do the dishes even though this and cleaning her room are her only chores. I still do the cooking, cleaning of the entire apartment and the laundry and pay the household expenses. When I say that to her she still looks at me like I’m killing her with chores.

I’ve tried speaking to her like an adult and explaining the importance of cleaning her room especially since she shares it with her baby sister. I’ve also yelled at her about it and taken away certain privileges and placed her in punishment but all with the same results. She’s asking me to help her clean the room or help her wash the dishes and its annoying the hell out of me. Who helps me pay the bills, while she’s curl up in bed at night & I’m sweeping and mopping the apartment where is my help. When the baby is crying for attention while I’m trying to cook dinner and my oldest is demanding not asking for help with her homework where is my help. When the car needs repairs, the rent has to be paid and groceries need to be bought who helps me.

I didn’t plan to be a single parent of two; no one does, nor do I regret any of the decisions I had to make to bring me where I am today but sometimes I just have to say Where Is My Help.

Published in: on January 20, 2013 at 1:53 pm  Comments (4)  
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Baby Daddy Drama Arghhh!!!

I’ve always hated the term baby daddy/mama drama and up until I had my second child I was able to avoid it because my oldest daughter’s father is not involved in her life (thank God). So here comes my second daughter and her father and all the drama I missed out on with the first has caught up to me with the second. I’m no longer in love with him and up until a few days ago I still had love for him and wished him well now I just wish him dead. That is such a horrible thing to say and I don’t actually mean it but that’s where my head is now.

I know he’s still in love with me which is why he acts out but that’s no excuse to be disrespectful and threaten to kill me. It all started off a simple text that he sent stating he missed me and being with me. I said I’m sorry you’re hurting but this is how it has to be and I wish him the best. Out of the blue he says I’ve been leading him on, this is the furthest thing from the truth. I’ve constantly turned him down when he asks me out and I’ve tried to get him interested in dating other women. any offer of help he throws at me is always declined because I knew he would take it as a sign of us getting back together. I do know my biggest mistake was accepting money from him to move to my new apartment. I had the money but once I spent it I would have no savings in case of an emergency. I had thought about borrowing the money from my 401k and I sure wish I had. It took me two months to accept the money from him because I was skeptical when he said he just wanted to make sure his daughter lived in a nice place and was comfortable. In my heart I knew I shouldn’t take it but my brain was just thinking about the money I would save.

Our daughter is five months old and every month I’ve asked him to work out a visitation schedule and he never does. During the week he simply wants to send a text the night before telling me to bring his daughter in the morning; never asking if I have anything to do or places to go. On the weekend its worst, when ever he wakes up I get a phone call saying he wants to come and get her. There have been times when I’m literally going through the door and he calls asking for her.

Now that he’s upset with me he decides my daughter should start sleeping over and demands I drop her off tomorrow and he would decide when I get her back. Really!!!! I don’t think so and this begins a week of threats and harassment on my job that lead me to file a police report against him. He didn’t think I would do it and was severely pissed about it; at least it showed him that I wasnt going to tolerate his crap any more. Did I mention this was the fourth incident in the last five months plus two earlier incidents last year? I’ve been passive/aggressive for way to long and allowed this situation to become overbearing. I’m finally putting my foot down and have forced him into doing a written parenting plan discussing visits, holidays, birthdays and education when she is of age. I didnt tell him this but once I receive my tax return i’m giving him his money back. I’m sick of him telling everyone I used him for the money but that’s my fault for being weak and believing he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

Published in: on September 21, 2012 at 11:49 pm  Comments (2)  
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Pregnancy = Changes

I know there are changes that come with pregnancy after all I have two children now and there were many changes that occurred with the first pregnancy. I stopped smoking, reduced my drinking and drastically reduced my social outings which were major changes because during my twenties smoking, drinking and partying was my life. It also woke me up to the realization that I had to leave my abusive relationship or end up dead or worst my daughter would grow up thinking that abuse was a normal part of a relationship. These were mental permanent changes and the physical changes, weight gain, swelling etc., were temporary except for a few stretch marks. Now with my second pregnancy things were far from typical and completely different from the first. I still have certain food aversions and cravings, the weight isn’t coming off as quickly as it did in my twenties but the craziest change, is my shoe size has increased which has caused me some mental anguish.

I’m basically a shoe fanatic and my shoes are one aspect of my life where I do splurge. I have shoes that cost over $100 that I may now have to sell and give away because I can’t wear them. This may seem trivial to some people but buying shoes was the only thing I did for myself and I usually bought them as a reward for accomplishing goals in my life or just to pamper myself on my birthday. Now that I have two children my financial situation has obviously changed and spending $100+ on shoes is definitely out of the question. I still have to buy new shoes especially for work but it won’t be my comfort shoes. I’m estimating for the next four years my money is going to go towards bills and the kids so I’m going to be stuck buying practical shoes only. I have to give up shoes that represented milestones in my life and I won’t be able to celebrate new ones like I usually do so it depresses me. I know I can find other ways to celebrate but I can’t think of any right now that would give me the same pleasure.

Published in: on May 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Ball of Confusion & Anxiety

The closer I get to my pregnancy due date the more stress I feel. Really not looking forward to staying with my child’s father but I’m the one that made that decision so I’m not going to go back on my word. It’s just that we have so much unresolved issues & I’m the type of person who hates to let things sit for too long because you eventually forget what the problems were & when you do bring up the issue it’s at the wrong time.

Besides our personal issues he basically put his foot in his mouth with a situation that went down with his friend and it has now alienated him from my family which has added stress to me because I’m extremely close to my family. Not being able to have him come to my mother’s house is the main reason why I decided to move in for those first three weeks. It’s just now i have to worry about splitting the baby’s time between him, my family, his family and me instead of everyone just being able to be together at the same time.

I think having my own place would have been better since that would be a neutral spot that everyone could come to but St. Croix’s economy is so fragile right now because our oil refinery is closing at the end of April, our government has reduced salaries by 8%, raised the gross receipt taxes and done so many layoffs; private companies are closing because of the high utility bills & taxes; its just so scary right now that I’m playing it safe and just saving my money until certain situations on island are more stable and moving out makes better financial sense.

I’m a life planner & I usually have two or three plans setup in regards to what I want to do in my life so all these uncertainites is driving me insane because I just dont know what the hell to do.

Published in: on March 21, 2012 at 12:02 am  Leave a Comment  
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Almost There

I have about six weeks to go before it’s time to meet my new baby and I can’t wait. I do think my daughter might be more excited than I am she marks off the days on her calendar & lets me know every week how much more weeks I have to go.  So far I have been able to save a little over $2k and that is more than I will need to cover my expenses while on maternity leave. I still haven’t decided what to do about my living situation once I have the baby. For now I’m taking six weeks maternity leave and will be staying with the baby’s dad for the first three then back to my mom’s house.

I didn’t call him my boyfriend because since I moved out last year we never discussed our relationship or if we even wanted to be in one. We have just been focusing on making sure I have a healthy pregnancy because we had a few scares in the beginning. I know once I’m there for those three weeks we will have to discuss it but for now we are just simply ignoring it.  This is definitely not the mature thing to do but we were told to avoid unnecessary stress for the health of the baby so that’s the way we are doing it for now.

For now things are going good I’ve finished my fifth semester of college but I’ve postponed enrolling for the sixth until  I get my schedule set with the new baby and the added responsibilities. I’ve also decided to try to tackle a part-time job but no guarantees on that just yet I’ll have to see what’s available when the time comes.

Have a blessed evening 🙂

Published in: on March 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm  Leave a Comment  
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