This is My Confession – I Don’t Want to be in Love

I don’t want to be in love. To be in love is to make yourself vulnerable to hurt, rejection, disrespect, jealousy….etc. etc. Why should I give someone the power to hurt me? Why give your heart to someone when you are not sure they will take care of it. In the beginning they will tell you everything you want to hear; you’re beautiful, you’re sexy, and I love you. They treat you nice just long enough for you to let your guard down start to love them give them every single part of you then they change. No, they don’t change they simply drop the charade of Mr. Nice Guy. They start to treat you like your nothing. Make you feel ugly, worthless and inadequate until you actually start to believe their bullshit that you should be grateful they want you because no one else will. You end up losing yourself and self-respect because you want to please someone who really doesn’t deserve you. You continue to put up with the lies and cheating fooling yourself into thinking eventually Mr. Nice Guy will come back and things would go back to normal. You forget that the normal you are hoping for was just a fantasy and your current situation is your reality.

Published in: on June 27, 2013 at 12:02 am  Leave a Comment  
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This is My Confession – Failed Relationships

In every failed relationship I believe you lose a piece of yourself. You no longer do the things you used to love because you used to do it with him. You stop believing in love. You turn your emotions off in fear you will fall in love again. You slowly withdraw from people and situations that will bring you into contact with smiling couples which makes you wonder what is wrong with you, why you couldn’t make your relationship work. Happy looking couples that make you remember you’re alone, and then you start to remember how it felt to lay in someone’s arm after making love thinking it would last forever. Then you wonder if maybe you should try again; open your heart to someone, become vulnerable again to disappointment, rejection, lies, cheating and lack of appreciation with the sliver of hope that you will receive love, affection, respect, loyalty and appreciation at the same level and intensity that you give it. Once again you ask yourself should I try again. Can my heart handle it or will this be the last blow that shatters it so infinitely that love is no longer a memory but a hallucination.

Published in: on June 26, 2013 at 11:21 pm  Leave a Comment  
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I Need Help

I’ve always diagnosed myself with clinical depression but I’ve never been officially diagnosed. I did go to a doctor a very long time ago but he wasn’t a trained therapist and was too quick to suggest drugs as a way to control it. I hate taking pills of any kind for any reason; I won’t even take an aspirin unless I’m having a migraine attack. However, I believe its time to see a professional. I was driving on the highway today and as I gradually increased my speed a thought popped into my head that I should drive into the wall and that would end all my troubles. I’ve thought about ending my life several times in the 34 years I’ve been living but today’s urge was the strongest and most tempting. At once the face of my kids popped into view and I immediately started crying. This was all brought on by my daughter not being able to find her uniform shirt which caused me to end up taking out an extra shirt and literally stapling on her school patch after failed attempts at sewing it on. This resulted in us leaving the house at 8am which is when school starts. I was so frustrated because all week she kept harassing me about playing the Xbox and having her friends sleep over Then she forgets her text-book at school even though she was asked if she has everything which resulted in twice as much homework the next day. It’s always something with her and I know it’s just ‘growing pains’ but coupled with the stress of co-parenting with my youngest father which is turning out to be very difficult, struggling to pay bills when your salary is not keeping up with the increasing cost of utility, groceries, gas and the list goes on. I know there is someone out there who is feeling the same way I do however I’m not processing the stress correctly. I don’t think anyone would say thoughts of suicide are a healthy way of dealing with every day stress. I find myself no longer interested in anything. I’m always tired but can’t sleep and I have this constant never-ending feeling of sadness and pessimism that’s stronger than I’ve ever felt it before. I just want to feel happy again.

I wrote this about three weeks ago; I no longer feel the urge to “end it all” however the overwhelming sadness is still there. I just hope I can find a therapist I can relate to BEFORE I have my breakdown.

Published in: on April 15, 2013 at 11:50 pm  Comments (3)  
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